Are you a People Pleaser?
It’s nice to be nice. It’s nice to be wanted, to be helpful and to be liked.
These are all pretty normal desires and speak to the survival of the human species; stay in with the tribe and you’ll be safe.
But… sometimes things get convoluted and dysfunctional. Sometimes we take it too far. And we usually only know it after the fact!
Here are some key signs that you are people pleaser
You can’t create or maintain boundaries very well. What is a boundary you might ask? They’re not just for neighbors. Boundaries are also emotional, mental and emotional and maintain inner peace within your head and heart space.
You avoid conflict at all costs. You’re a flight /freeze stress response person who shudders at the idea of having a confrontation. Unfortunately, that means you leave yourself open to be walked all over.
You take criticism deeply personal. We all give and receive feedback all the time, but often we are unable to separate feedback from criticism. We can also find it difficult to separate the issue at hand to our self worth.
You feel guilty about any ‘me time’ or most things in general. I remember when I used to work in the corporate world, the few times I’d have to call in sick I would be practically crying, not because I was sick because I felt so bad about taking a day off and inconveniencing anyone else. We deserve personal space without guilt.
You suffer from toxic perfectionism. Perfectionism has a bad rap but honestly, much excellence has been achieved through perfectionism, particularly in areas of creativity and innovation. However, where does the drive for perfectionism come from? Will you still know that you’re still worthy if you don’t show up perfectly or are you driven by fear? When perfection is driven by fear we are not in our strength.
You don’t know the answer so you feel like a failure or imposter. Somewhere along the way we as humans got the idea that we need to have all the answers all the time. When did it start to be wrong to say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘ I don’t have the answer to that… maybe I’ll find out’. It doesn’t always have to be a personal weakness to not know everything about everything. You’re allowed to not know stuff.
You always seem to be doing more than the people around you and feel burnt out. Sure you love making the extra effort, people know you as that person who always shows up strong… but look around and ask yourself why you’re doing that? If you didn’t do it, would you still feel as welcome or significant in those circles? If you’re finding yourself begrudging others for what you’re willingly doing, whose fault is that? Remember you can’t control other people - the only one you can control is yourself.
You feel lost or inauthentic in yourself and not sure why. When we are in this space of wanting (needing?) to be liked, we adapt ourselves. It’s so easy for us to alter this part of ourselves, highlight another part of ourselves, it’s not a problem and makes life easy for everyone.. right?! But if we continue to do that… with everyone all around us, seeping into all our relationships… When are we truly ourselves?
We can end up only allowing ourselves to feel fully ourselves with those closest to us, our family - because you can’t fake it 24/7 even if you try! But then you find yourself embittered by all the energy that it takes to perform and pretend as the people pleaser that you have no energy left for them. The people you love most get the worst part of you.
You have trouble feeling like you belong. If nobody really knows you, nobody can really accept you. So that feeling of being unseen, inauthentic, lost and like you don’t really belong… is because you have been hiding. Underneath the good girl, the helpful friend, the selfless wife and mother. You can only belong in all these areas, if you belong to yourself first.
So where do you find yourself on this list? Which ones resonate with you?
I believe that we are all on a spectrum of defining and redefining boundaries of who we are, how we are showing up and what behaviors we are willing to accept in others. If you’re feeling unsatisfied or unfulfilled in any of these areas, it starts with you claiming back your power.
You’re so much more than the things you say or do. People want to know the real you. Are you willing to step into authenticity and the discomfort of not being liked in order to become her? What would that mean for your life?
If you’re feeling held back by caring too much about the opinions of others hypnotherapy can help. You can override those old habits and rewire yourself towards a more honest, authentic and internally secure person. Get in touch.